book-of-lee

Easter grace

2007-04-08T15:55:00.000Z

Well, happy Easter, and welcome back to a blog that has become overly quiet of late. Blame this on my dial up connection at home, and the lack of internet in the office. Or maybe I've just been getting lazy. Sorry. Forgive me!

It's Easter again, traditionally the time for most of us to gorge ourselves on chocolate. A few of us perhaps, I hope, have actually managed to spare time for Jesus this season. He did die for us after all. Such is His grace and love that I am reminded how far short I fall from His example. For those who know me it has become apparent how intolerant I am on my bus journies to and from work, with the man who whistles incoherently, to the Australian woman and her mobile phone. Can't she stop speaking, at all??? My intolerance continued as I took the train home to Barrow to see the folks. Almost 5 hours of people possibly only on that train to do my head in. From the woman who just had to sit in front of me with her bag of cheesy Doritos, to the overly loud teenage girls, excited by their shopping. Be excited, but not near me!

I spent an afternoon in Barrow's wildlife park, which has an enormous selection of animals from tigers, giraffes, to the general public. Yes, that's right, I had more in common with the animals than the baboon's who paid to get in there, whose only goal was to get in my face, swear in geordie accents, and to make stupid comments about the wondrous beasts that God has put on this Earth. My intolerance levels were at an all time high. I must reflect at these times, what would Jesus do? Would He remark, like I did, that the family staring at the rhinos were obviously looking at their own reflection? Or comment on the sour faced woman that she looked like a slapped arse that had been excreting lemons??? No He would not. He would have reminded them of His love and spent time with them, demonstrating his infallible love, proud to be with them.

None of us are perfect as I demonstrate about myself, not only in this blog, but on a daily basis. And neither are those around me. Hey, I guess all they need is a bit of love, and patience, as I do. I pray that Jesus will forgive me of my intolerance, and help me to show more grace.

I ask also for your tolerance and patience with me!

Have a good Easter.

The Human Database

2007-01-22T10:29:00.000Z

Alarming reports on the news this week. It seems that the government aims to keep a database on each one of us. What can this mean? They are already spying on what rubbish we throw away, so the database on me will obviously say "'frozen food junkie' - send more junk mail from Iceland". Where will this database end? Will it contain a bar graph of the times and events of my going to the toilet? Will there be a pie chart on the number of times I go the wrong ways down one way streets as short cuts to work? Will there be venn diagrams on my chocolate addiction?

It is indeed all very worrying, and I may need to become a permanent recluse. The government will still know I'm in hiding of course. When their latest line graph on me is a flatlining they will know something is wrong, and they will probably send government spys disguised as market researchers to find out whether I'm dead or alive. And on that morbid topic, when I am dead will they delete my database, or will they produce another chart on the speed on which I am decomposing. Not that I will care then of course, I will be too busy in Heaven knowing that at least there is one place they can't catch me. And of course God has a bigger database on us than anyone.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-20T10:24:00.000Z

Merry Christmas everybody! I hope it's a good one for you.

As ever at this time, I reflect on the year gone by and consider my eventful (or otherwise) life. Once again the year ends and I remain single, despite a slight glimour of romance that fizzled before the match had even been sparked.

I am still (!!!!) in Hull, never expecting to be in this city for longer than two years, it has now surpassed ten. This has been my first full year as 'Children's worker' for a Christian charity (another one), and that has seen friendships made, friendships broken, many wrong words, and a few right (eous) ones.

There is much to be thankful for, not least my January purchase of a new hd tv for my lovely new Xbox 360, and that has seen me become more of a couch potato than ever before.

The year has flown by, as they invariably do once you leave childhood, and it makes me wonder how longer I will be in Hull when my family live 5 hours away on a train. The future is yet unwritten (in my diary at least; God's diary is full of information), and I leave 2006 wanting, rather than feeling a sense of satisfaction.

So, whoever and whereever you are reading this, I hope that the year ahead is a good one, a year where you are happy and satisfied, positively challenged, and shaped into the person that God made you to be.

Hopefully this blog will be more fruiful in the year ahead, so keep reading. God bless you, everyone ;)

Bad Choices!

2006-12-05T14:17:00.000Z

Fear not, I am still alive, despite speculating on whether or not I would be after my last blog entry when I began driving lessons. They are going reasonably well by the way. Besides, it is time to move on to more pressing matters, and that is the closure of my local dvd rental store, 'Choices', which is where I have been a member since it opened. Their head office have decided that this particular store does not make enough business, despite my regular visits there. No more will I be able to banter with the welcoming staff, particularly Pam, and our inability to have a normal conversation, preferring instead to ramble friendly insults at each other. No longer will I be able to stroll along to the shop which is only ten minutes away, if I feel in the mood for a movie. All seemed lost, despite having a 'Blockbusters' which is thirty minutes walk away, which is thirty minutes too long. Then an answer came to me, as if in a fog enshrouded dream. Online rentals! Now I don't have to walk anywhere for my rental needs, other than the stairs from my flat to the post in my pigeon hole. So farewell sweet 'Choices' and so long Pam; our parting seemed so sad for a while, but I have moved on and so must you. xx

Driving me crazy

2006-10-11T12:25:00.000Z

Stay off the roads everyone, I have begun driving lessons again. Yesterday was the first lesson in several years, after previously giving up because..a) I was crap... b) I ran out of money.

I expected to be driven to a quiet, out of the way of other traffic place, and thought I would spend an hour putting my seatbelt on and off, and playing with the gears. I did that, but then, like a man who has no respect for his or anyone else's life, he sent me driving up a main road, on to a duel carriageway and through two roundabouts! I had explained to him that it had been years since I had last driven, and that I had forgotten everything I had ever been taught due to an alien lobotomy, but obviously he ignored these warning signs, and decided I was fit enough for vehicular mayhem. Amazingly I am still alive after the ordeal, but if there are no further blog entries over the next year, you can work out why. See you in Heaven! Beep beep!

Dear Dominic

2006-09-25T13:09:00.000Z

Dear Dominic Diamond, you were so great on 'Gamesmaster'. Well maybe 'great' isn't the word, but you were okay. A bit more on the games and a bit less of you would have helped, but never mind.

I watched your programme on Channel 5 recently. You know the one, that unusual attempt to ingratiate yourself back on tv by claiming you were trying to reclaim your faith. Look, there is a picture of yourself on the left, carrying your cross to prove it. Now I am not saying you didn't or don't have a faith, but it was the way you explored it which alarmed me. You lost your faith, you said, due to insomnia and God not enabling you to rest after you had asked him. Hmm. You also said, in that same paragraph of thoughts, that you had a busy, stressful lifestyle, and an early morning radio show to get up for. Could it be that you couldn't sleep because you didn't allow yourself or your mind to slow down.. couldn't you cut down on some aspects of your working life, and spend a bit more family and God time, without blaming your losing your faith on your inability to sleep..maybe you could have, and maybe now you do.

I was intrigued to see you enter spiritual retreat, and your journey to Israel to see the Garden of Gethsemane, and extended hours of prayer and silence. My problem with your journey was your promise of crucifixion at the end of it. You travelled to the Phillipines at Easter, where people experience crucifixion to bring them closer to God. This was your promise at the start of your programme, and dare I say it, your selling point. The programme was even called 'Crucify Me'. Far be it from me to say that you were using something so central to the Christian faith to make your big tv comeback. As it happened, you arrived at the Phillipines, and decided not to go up on the cross after all. And why should you? You don't need to be nailed to a cross to renew your faith, which is what you decided just as you were about to be. At this point your faith had returned, and you were comfortable in that fact without having your hands nailed. Fair enough. So Dom (if I may call you that), I sincerely hope your faith has returned, and I hope that you do get to spend more time with your family, and less time stressing around. Just let God love you as you are, and do not spend time worrying about a national comback on to our screens. You don't need to be crucified to do that. Just make better programmes.

Yours sincerely

Lee

Nightgowns in Heaven

2006-08-27T11:25:00.000Z

Sat on the bus yesterday on the way to the train station I overheard an interesting conversation. A young girl sat with her grandmother asking her about Heaven. "When will I go?"; "How old will I be?" were among the questions. The grandmother told her she would probably be about 80 and would go a long time after herself. "Would you get me a nightgown ready for when I have to go?" the young girl asked. "Why is that?" asked the gran. "Everyone wears nightgowns in Heaven, and if you're first you can get me one ready for when I get there" the girl replied.

So there you have it. The little known fact that wasn't included in the Bible. If you want to get into Heaven you will need to have a nightgown ready. Don't suppose the colour really matters, and if you're a male then I guess you might need to order a pair of heavenly pyjamas.

Shopping never seemed so important until now.

Summer Camp 2006

2006-08-22T14:04:00.000Z

Here are some pictures of a camp I took some children to in Redmire, North Yorkshire. Please note my mum in the picture at the dining table, who visited for a short while, and my sister opposite her who stayed for most of the camp. It was brilliant to work with her!

With the aid of 3 colleagues I took 7 children to camp this year. For some of the kids it was a rare opportunity to get away, and one in particular had his first real holiday away from home with us. It is for children such as these that make camp worthwhile. I have done many camps in the past, and have always enjoyed seeing the children grow and develop through it. A lot of the kids I have taken in the past and to a small extent on this camp, come from difficult backgrounds, and the camps mean a lot to them, and to their families.

I was thankful to have raised a lot of funding take the kids away - over a thousand pounds - which was miraculous, and am grateful to the people and trusts who contributed. The cost to take the kids away was quite high, so this enabled me to pay full fees.

The camp was quite cosy really - none of those low tech tent things here, with bugs burrowing into your leg (memories of a camp that still gives me shivers) - we slept in log cabins, little homes from home. The weather was mostly fine, and we all had a very enjoyable time. Just a shame we had to come home!

Goodbye Constable Street Primary

2006-07-17T08:01:00.000Z

It is with a lot of sadness that Constable Street Primary School is closing this week, due to the 'wisdom' of our Government. It is one of a number of schools that will finally close their doors forever, and I am sad for the brilliant staff that have put their lives into the place over the years gone by.

I began to go into the school in 1995 when I began working with 'Hull Youth for Christ'. This included assemblies, and going into the year 6 classroom to listen to readers every Friday. And when I say every Friday, I mean every Friday (well nearly) over the next 8 years. Teachers and children came and went while I remained in the corner, listening to yet another rendition of 'Fuzzbuzz' and other 'classics'. I was sat in the corner for so long that they eventually asked me to become a school governor, which I accepted with trepidation. Such a thing seemed far too official for little old me, but it was a great experience, and my acceptance into the school was complete. There is only one step 'up' from governor of course, and I then became one of those most fearsome of beasts, the dinner 'lady'! This was a more terrifying prospect than that of a governor, and I was at the mercy of the other 'ladies', who while lovely, came dangerously close to sexual harrasment charges on a weekly basis. Bless 'em!

Many experiences and memories from such a brilliant place. I would like to thank the staff and children for their input into my life. I wish them all an extremely happy future. Bless you, and thank you.

V for Vanessa

2006-07-12T12:11:00.000Z

Vanessa!! The picture on the left is not her, but it is as near an accurate representation of her Medusa-like features that I could find. This entry is a tribute to the malingering old trout.

I am not in fear of her suing me for what I am about to write, as she isn't likely to use a computer, unless she steals one of course.

Vanessa was my neighbour in the house of flats I live in. Her cretinous boyfriend robbed my flat one day while I was at work, and I am sure she was involved also. She was seen with him leaving a shop where he took my dvds that he had stolen. Sadly only he was jailed, and she was left to roam the earth cackling maniacally. Despite being evicted from the property, she still visits my neighbour downstairs, but only on his pay day from income support. He thinks he is her boyfriend, and that she has split up with her robbing boyfriend. Evidence supports otherwise however, and it is highly suspicious that her twisted features only turn up on pay day.

Oh and if you are reading Vanessa, please return any post that you have stolen. Thank you.

V for Vendetta?? Vendetta for Vanessa more like. And it's already started. Bless her, the old witch.

Black Hole sucks in blog

2006-07-10T13:50:00.000Z

There has been a public outcry due to the lack of recent entries on this blog. Aniticipation has reached fever pitch, akin to the latest Harry Potter saga, or a new salad dressing from Paul Newman. It's not that there hasn't been anything to say! I have a new hamster named Bon Bon, and I could have treated you all to pictures of his little furry self in his giant cage of love. I also have a new baby niece named Maisie, and I could have posted a picture of her too, if any of you are interested.

Work too has been interesting, after being put in charge of organising a community fun day, which went well thank you very much, and we have just interviewed for a new manager to keep an eye on us, and we await with bated breath as to who that will be. So hardly quiet then, so more apologies for the lack of written word here. I will try harder.

However, do check out my other blog (click on this now), which has acted like a black hole, sucking all my inspiration into its inky blackness, and that is the book of cool, which has been a hit with all kinds of people, including 'Woman's Own' who possibly voted it as the 'best blog since Margaret put the kettle on and knitted a wooly jumper of her own design', and 'Top Gear' magazine, who may once have said "If this blog were a car, it would definitely be a ferrarri, cool and graceful". So check it out now, as it contains reviews of movies, tv, and in theory video games, although I haven't done much on the latter.

So long for now xxx

Ham the hamster is dead

2006-05-31T14:28:00.000Z

Ham the hamster is dead, aged 3 months. He leaves behind Cheese the hamster, and Steph, who reared him from a young age. Reports are in that Ham died from a possible chest infection. Steph told me that he gasped his last as he lay in her warm hands, trying desperately to revive him. Maybe he just lost the will to live. His partner Cheese is purportedly unfriendly, and cannot have been easy to live with. Steph also sings a lot, when not watching 'Casualty' and these may be reasons for him to give up on life so early. We may never know the reason behind his death, but he leaves a lasting legacy. His cage still needs cleaning!

Although his life was surprisingly short, he bought many hours of happiness to all who saw him. His cheeky, chirpy ways gave pleasure to all. His exploits in his ball thrilled and excited. There were plans to watch him jump through hoops of fire while in his ball, but this never came to fruition. Ironically he now lies in a matchbox under a pile of leaves. Goodbye Ham, you will be missed.

The Little Book Of Quiet

2006-05-17T17:18:00.000Z

Apologies for the quietness of this book of late. I have been putting together various entries for my new blog, 'Book of Cool', with various film and tv reviews, and so have spent little time here. Well instead of moaning about the fact, check out the above blog. In the meantime I will endeavour to find something interesting to write about here. Any suggestions? The on going war between radishes and snails?? Hmm maybe. Take care xxx

The Hustler

2006-04-19T19:42:00.000Z

Picture the scene why don't you. A murky, smoky, nastily smelling bar. Beer dripping from the walls and the bar wench standing, fag in mouth, shouting "you'll never prove yourself here love".

Imagine that and you'd be wrong. It was nothing like that, but still, my pose here shows I mean business at the pool table, and the local pool table veterans, watched, one eye on the game, the other on their pint (except the guy who only had one eye and didn't know where to look). They watched as I took the pool table by storm, knocking in red after red after white after red etc. It was an unstoppable force - my mother was my partner - and my sister and her her boyfriend could only stand back and gasp at the skill being displayed - until they won, with a sneaky comeback. Though if you follow the link to Joel on the left, you will meet my sister's boyfriend, and discover his magical abilities. There can be no other explanation as to how he and my sister won - he clearly must have hidden his yellow balls up his sleeve, as I sure didn't see them hit the pockets.

Their victory was short lived as in the second game my mother and I had victory, proving once and for all that magic is no substitute to skill. The wench at the bar almost choked on her fag at seeing our victory, and I was sure that the local pool league were about to ask me to join their team. They didn't. They clearly don't have the balls!

A scarecrow, yesterday

2006-04-19T11:38:00.000Z

Worzel Gummidge making a comeback? Sadly no. However, my photographic genius is returning, and this is a photo I took with my new digital camera. For all those familiar with the photo's of 'Altitude Zero' (or Andy to the rest of us - see his link to the left), these photo's are set to leave him angry and shame faced at my brilliance. The competition for the best photo in the world starts here, and I'm sure you will agree I have a head start. Maybe.

New Blog Alert !!!

2006-04-18T16:53:00.001Z

Yes, in what can only be described as an act of foolishness, Blogger has relented into giving me more blog space. The new blog is all about what I find cool in movies, tv and video games. I hope you enjoy it - check the link on the right, or click here, to zoom right to it.

"Blogs will never be the same again" - 'TV Quick' magazine possibly said when I began my original blog, and I am sure they will be frothing themselves into a lather at the prospect of a new one.

textbook teeth

2006-04-03T14:23:00.000Z

Hooray! My teeth are textbook. That's what my dental hygienist told me, repeatedly as she looked into my mouth. "Oooh that's textbook. That really is textbook." For a while I was encouraged, my chest welling with pride, knowing I could go away and let people know that my teeth were straight out of a textbook. My chest stopped welling with pride when I realised she meant my teeth were textbook terrible, the kind of teeth you probably show to dental students, or to school kids, to warn against tooth decay and plaque invasion.

I have textbook teeth! Oh well. I returned home and had a Mars Bar to comfort my irritated teeth. Cretinous molars!

Let it snow

2006-03-14T14:27:00.000Z

Snow snow go away, let it snow another day.

Preferably when I don't have to come out to work. Or maybe snow somwhere else. Or maybe snow so much that I'm snowed in at home and therefore can't leave the house, forcing me to sit through my entire dvd collection, and carefully prepared selection of snacks in case of emergency, like snow, or just feeling peckish. And I need to finish 'Ghost Recon 3' on my Xbox 360 before I'm consumed by the new Morrowind game with 100 + hours of gameplay. Maybe it should snow for emergencies such as these. Oh well. I'm sure I'll have fun on the way home on the bus, being snowballed as usual, causing the driver to have a fit, screech to a halt, and yell obscenities at the 'playful' young people.

Have a nice day x

Fun at the dentists

2006-02-22T13:34:00.000Z

£250! Thats what I'm paying in total over the next 4 months, for 3 normal fillings and a root filling. I thought by going (enforced to go) private meant I would pay less because I was also paying monthly. Less is equal to a few pounds it seems.

It didn't bode well when my dentist sent me an automated message to remind me of today's appointment. Instead of a nice warm reminder, it was something which resembled the voice of a robot (probably another trying to take over the universe as we know it - scroll below). The message was something like this...

"Mr Brown, you have an appointment with us this wednesday morning. Failure to attend will result in a fine of £££. Please attend promptly".

I attended promptly and still had to wait while my dentist fixed his descaler with a soldering iron (really!). I then endured a half hour filling where my mouth was propped open with some kind of metal hook, when he also informed me that I had an abcess and would need a root filling as a result. Sigh!

At least he is a kindly old soul, despite having a pocket full of my money. Unlike Mr S......... who worked for the M........ Health Centre (they can't sue me because this is true). He was somebody who I referred to as the Butcher of Dentistry, who like his predecessor, Mr F....., would take on too many patients, and would work on two of us at the same time, flitting in and out of adjoining operating theatres, leaving us for as long as 20 minutes at a time. My mouth was more sore from being yanked open by his cruel fingers, and poked and prodded with his needle while he tried to inject. He was cheaper, though I'm sure he found more work in my mouth than what was really needed, so I probably did pay more.

So I am at least grateful for my current dentist, who at least has friendly reception staff, unlike the dragon women of the last place I went to. And at least he didn't use the soldering iron in my mouth which was a bonus.

Keep smiling!!!

I'm back and the world is saved

2006-02-08T14:32:00.000Z

It's okay everyone. Thank you for all your concerns over the last entry. It was indeed a dalek who had taken over the IT room in a bid for world domination. Thankfully the metallic pepper pot was once again foiled by The Doctor and his companion Rose. The Tardis materialised just in time - I had been plugged into the coffee machine and was oozing coffee from my pores (I don't even like coffee), when The Doctor arrived, unplugged me from the mains, and poured hot coffee over the Dalek, who then erupted into a mass of green slime, with it's closing words, "Tea or coffee, tea or coffee, I cannot see, damn u Doctor..".

The Doctor then left, but not before cheekily throwing a pair of his 4th regenerations underwear out of the Tardis door, cheekily saying that they didn't fit him anymore. I even found a jelly baby stuck at the bottom of the slightly used pair.

YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!!!

2006-02-08T14:07:00.000Z

Ignore this blogger's previous entry. I am not a robot trying to take over the world. It is still me, Lee, and not a dalek speaking, superior race that we, I mean, they are. In no way are the computers playing up, and in no way have we, I mean the daleks rerouted the computers to destroy the world as we know it.

To confirm, this is still Lee, your regular weakling, I mean, wonderful person, typing as always. In no way will you be exterminated should you not believe these supreme superior words. However, if you are The Doctor reading this, then you may think you have foiled us again, but this time YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!!!. If your not The Doctor, then believe that this is still Lee, the inane idiot who writes with disregard for anybody else. To repeat, I am Lee, and am not a dalek, unless you are The Doctor, then YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!!!

I repeat Y O U W I L L B E E X T E R M I N A T E D ! ! ! !

computers, grrrrrrrrr.........

2006-02-06T13:58:00.000Z

It's not computers that I hate, it's just the fact when our IT manager is off sick, and I end up sitting in the IT room for the day to assist anyone who drops in, everything goes wrong! The main computer which is linked to the printer has decided to shut down so no-one is able to print today. The printer in the main office has decided to shut down too. One of the computers has decided not to connect itself to the internet. What next? Maybe its like a scene from '2001: a Space Odyssey' where Hal the super computer takes over the space craft. Or 'The Matrix' where the computers have taken over the world completely. Maybe today is the start of that. The computers are toying with me, seeing my frustration and laughing inwardly within their microchips.

Being the children's worker here, this also means having to take the teenage computer club alone tonight. What a combination - malevolent computers and cheeky teenagers in the same room. I A M D O O M E D!!

Be aware that my next blog entry may not even be written by me, but this computer manifesting itself on my behalf. That's my excuse anyway (just in case my next entry is especially crap).

The blogger who blags beans

2006-02-02T12:14:00.000Z

This is not a blog for product or business placement. However, sometimes even my rules are meant to be broken. Picture the scene... 6.15 pm, just cycled home in the cold wind, and the tempting thought of meat and potato pie, chips, and beans in my mind from my local chip shop. As I arrived at the fish and chop shop, my cold red hand clutching a wrinkled five pound note, I placed my order to the kindly staff.
Then HORROR!! "We are out of beans" she said. I glanced over to the wall where beans were quite clearly advertised. In my most pathetic voice I said.. "But it says you have beans on there."

"We have peas and gravy" they suggested.
"I don't want them, I was looking forward to beans" I replied, half jokingly, half genuinely devastated at their lack of food I wanted.

They looked at me, no doubt considering if I was mentally impared, and I stared back with sorrowful, nearly tearful eyes.

Eventually they relented, and one of them scurried into the back, before returning with a pot of beans to be microwaved. I rejoiced, at last I would get what I wanted, my patheticness had won them over. So all I want to say today is HOORAY FOR COLTMAN FISHERIES!!! Pity the beans were slightly cold when I got them home, but still, you can' have everything can you.

super dog

2006-01-25T14:02:00.000Z

It has been a while since I reported on the world of superheroes. If you scroll down to previous archives you will see the unmasking of Spiderman, Batman etc, and see Super Grover in action. You will also see the super pets, of which here is another. Super Murray the Dog (in real life just Murray) has joined the fray of super animals. However at the superhero conference in Manhattan this week he was laughed at and jeered at for his makeshift costume. In response Murray did what super dogs do best, a great big super poo (the picture of which was deemed unsuitable for publishing).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2006-01-16T15:03:00.000Z

Happy new year to all my dear blog readers, whoever you are. Many of you have(probably) been waiting for my Christmas blog and sadly it wasn't to be as my family internet connection crashed so it has to be a new year one I'm afraid. Thanks to all those who intended to comment on my blog but obviously didnt get time (cretins!).

I enjoyed Christmas at my families and it was a good, relaxing time. I received lots of dvds like 'Extra series 1' and 'Peep Show series one and two'.

On returning to Hull my recently repaired aerial continued to give me problems and I apparently found out that the aerial wire had somehow been cut!!! I assume it was the rough wind and not my neighbour, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Another year and another term of work which has gone steadily over the last few days, planning various children's clubs and beginning my termly schools work.

At least I have my xbox 360, new tv and freeview with a harddrive to cheer my days up. Being able to pause live tv still fascinates me and I can record Emmerdale onto my harddrive and then delete it without watching it, just because I can. Anything to cheer me up in depressing January. Happy new year!

bus no.30, where are you???

2005-12-19T15:39:00.000Z

After thirty minutes this morning, waiting for the number 30 bus to work, and none arriving, I decided to catch the no.28, which is all very well, except it was cold, and it meant walking for 20 minutes to get to work.

Where was the number 30?? It was commented to me once, by an elderly man, that once the no.30 bus reaches a certain point, it falls off the end of the earth. I think he was right. Can there be any other explanation? And if it does fall off the end of the earth, what happens to the passengers? Are there so many 'missing' people in the world, simply because of the bus they caught? Is there a bus floating in orbit as we speak? And if so, is this the reason we sometimes get 3 buses arriving at the same time, because they have all landed at the same time in a freak cosmic storm?

And why are there so many buses driving by with 'not in service' at the front? Are these the number 30's I've been waiting for, the bus drivers not bothering to stop so they change their destination to 'not in service'? And if they weren't number 30's, then why can't they become one if they know that some of their buses are running behind schedule????

Why???

Because they are rubbish! There are no buses in a cosmic storm. They are just crap. Enough said!

super pets

2005-12-08T13:51:00.000Z

Further to my unveiling of various superheroes identities, here is news just in of the replacements for Superman and Batman. The dogs pictured here, angry at my insensitivity at unmasking our heroes, have decided to join in the fight against crime. And to prevent me from unmasking them, they have decided not to wear masks.
They are obviously of the right pedigree, chum, but this really does take the (dog) biscuit.

i have an xbox 360

2005-12-05T13:55:00.000Z

After months of mouth watering anticipation of seeing Microsoft's new wonder console, I finally pre ordered one from Choices Video, after securing a new full time job which meant I could continue my gaming addiction. December 2nd was the launch date, and the saliva from my mouth has been eveolving into an ever growing stream since then. I almost drowned in bed the few days before the 2nd. On December 1st I checked with Choices to make sure that my pre order was still secure, only to disover (shock, horror) that due to a shortage, I might have to wait a few more weeks as no consoles were arriving at Choices!!. Sadness ensued, followed by frustration, and upset that my once loved Xbox now looked so last gen.

Then I hit on an idea, so stupid it might just work. Break into Microsoft's head quarters and steal one. Foolish! Then another plan formed in my mind, get up early the next day, and queue in the hope that I might get one without a preorder. Comet, was my store of choice, and so on a rainy Friday morning I queued with a bunch of grubby, slightly geekish individuals (of which I was one). A shop assistant appeared and broke the news that there were only 13 available. Thank goodness then that I was number 6.

Once in the store, we were seated in order, only to then be told that there were only 9 as the others were pre ordered. After a quick head count I asserted my place as 6th, and several people went home, unhappy and rejected. Shame, but then, hey,it could have been me.

I have an Xbox360, one of the lucky few as people are not guaranteed to get one now until February/March next year, if they have not already pre ordered.

I HAVE AN XBOX 360... WOO HOO!!!

We unmask Superman!!

2005-11-29T11:06:00.000Z

After the shocking news that Superman wears a mask, we have discovered who he really is. In a similar turn of events to our Batman unmasking, when we discovered he is really a young boy from China, we have found that Superman is really 2 year old Daniel Jacobs, and not photo journalist Clark Kent as previously rumoured. Daniel was shocked to see us when approached, but he did reveal that he had filled his nappy moments before he vanquished evil super villain Lex Luthor. "It was the smell that did it" he said, laughing and gurgling. Bless!

Superman does wear a mask

2005-11-29T10:58:00.000Z

In the most surprising news of the week, it appears that Superman does indeed wear a mask. What was previously thought to be his face, it appears from our recent photo that we are still no clearer to discovering his real identity. We knew that Spiderman obviously wore a mask (he's Michael Jackson - see below), and we have seen Judge Dredd is in fact David Blunkett, but who is Superman. We are close to the truth..

Super Grover turns on America

2005-11-29T10:51:00.000Z

America is under attack from an unexpected source. Sesame Street's Grover recently received super powers in a lab accident begun by that big yellow imbecile, Big Bird. Instead of using his super powers for the good of mankind, Super Grover has instead decided to take revenge on the city that gave him fame and fortune. In a world recently short of superheroes (see previous entries), we had hoped Grover would have been a bit nicer than the events that have happened over the last week. 81 people have been squashed by Super Grover's fat blue head.

If you have any sightings of other super hero happenings, please let me know!

Neighbours, do we need them?

2005-11-28T11:33:00.000Z

For those who know me, they will likely be aware that the history of neighbours in the flats where I live have not been a good one, from drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, and finally a couple who even burgled me. 'Love your neighbour' the Bible says, but with my neighbours its' been kinda difficult.

Well today could be breaking point, as new neighbours move into flat 4. Who will they be? Butchers, bakers, candlestick makers? David Blunkett and his new mistress? Who knows, but I'll report all when I find out.

Other breaking neighbour news.. the new people in flat 2, whom I have not yet met, only heard by their singing, may be Christians. Their previous singing in their foreign tongue, whatever that is, suddenly erupted into a Christian chorus. I guess they aren't pimps then - the only they'll be pimping is the Bible, and that can only be a good thing!!

This is Batman

2005-11-22T14:49:00.000Z

We now reveal the secret identity of Batman when caught with his mum, he is a 6 year old boy named Wang Chung. In a rare lapse of concentration Wang lifted his batmask to rub his nose when we snapped the picture. He babbled something about his mother being Batgirl, but after being spanked by his mum he admitted who she really was. As to how he appeared to be taller when previously seen, Wang babbled on about his batboots which extended, and his fatbatsuit which made him appear more muscular.

Crime has risen since we revealed the identities of Spiderman, Judge Dredd, and now Batman. Who next??

Please report any sightings. xxx

Batman confronts the unmasked Michael

2005-11-22T14:38:00.000Z

Further to my revealing that Spiderman is actually Michael Jackson (scroll below), I can now reveal the stunning picture of the moment when Batman confronted Jackson over his secret identity. As Jackson tried to moonwalk away, Batman bataranged him around the head. However despite Batman revealing the face behind Jackson's mask (Spiderman not Skeletor), we are about to reveal who Batman truly is..

Blog to be made into a film, maybe!

2005-11-22T10:31:00.000Z

Exciting news for all fans of my blog! It is finally being made into a film, hopefully to be directed by Alfred Hitchcock who is currently in talks with the Grim Reaper himself, to be let out of the grave to direct again.

Peter Jackson was originally approached, as I wanted my blog to be turned into an epic trilogy. Apparently he was busy making a film about a giant ape and besides, he didn't feel there was enough material in my blog to make an advert, let alone a trilogy. Well I will make a monkey out of him! Hitch (Alfred to you) is mulling over possible film titles as he turns over in his grave. 'Shadow of a blog'; 'Rear Blog'; and 'Blog by Blogwest' are some of those under consideration. Hitch's regular stalwart James Stewart is having too nice a time in Heaven to participate and only Keith Chegwin and Bernard Cribbins are rumoured to be interested in roles.

Watch this space for more details.

Stop! In the name of God - Part 2

2005-11-21T12:10:00.000Z

This was the second time God stopped me in my tracks. It was almost time to go home. The children had left the building and my colleague Alex and I were tidying away. There was a knock at the door. I answered and a group of girls stood there, slightly smelling of alchohol, some with food in their hands. "Can we come in?", one of them asked. I explained that we were tidying away and we would all soon be leaving the building. "But our friend has just been killed in an accident and we want to come in and pray". Oh.. I wasn't sure if what they were saying was true, or whether they just wanted to get in from the cold. I told them to come into the porchway and pray there if they wanted, and I returned inside to tidy up.

As we continued tidying we heard one of the girls say to her friend, "Well shall we pray or what then" (or words to that effect). Alex and I stopped what we were doing. They were obviously genuine then. We looked at each other and decided that okay, we should let them in.

I let them in, with burger crumbs following, and they sat in our recently tidied room, unsure of what to do next, who to pray to, and how to sit respectfully. A couple of them were tearful, and another told them not to cry, as if it were wrong. We asked them if they wanted to be alone or wanted us to sit with them. The response was mixed but eventually decided we should stay, and some of the girls started to pray, mostly to their friend who had died. We gently expalained that they should pray to God, and I offered to pray for them, and did, which caused some of them to giggle (well at least I gave them something to smile about!). As we finished, they left, shaking us by the hand and profusely thanking us.

Again, as with the homeless guy, I felt again that God had stopped us. Speaking for myself I could only think of getting home and starting my weekend, but God had other plans. Which is good...

Stop! In the name of God...part 1

2005-11-21T11:50:00.000Z

It's funny how God works. As a Christian, although you should spend more time focussing on Him, you still end up running around in the day busy in your own little life. Well I do anyway.

In the last two weeks God has twice stopped me in my tracks.

Two weeks ago, as I stepped off the bus on the way to my bike, the only thing on my mind was getting home out of the cold and food. As I approached the place where my bike was locked up I saw a homeless man sat on the bench. I headed straight for my bike, trying to avoid eye contact, and any conversation. Then the man called to me... "Lord, Lord, stay with me". Was he really talking to me? He came towards me still calling me Lord. Then he said "Father save me". I stopped, resigned myself to being a bit colder for the next few minutes, and asked him if he was okay (of course he wasn't, he was homeless, but it's all I could say). He continued to call me 'Lord' and I explained that I was neither a priest or God, but that I was a Christian and would talk to him or pray with him if that's what he wanted. He was very keen that I prayed, and he became emotional. He asked if I would pray for his family of whom he had not seen for a long time. So I did, sat on a bench, regardless of whatever the people passing by thought of us. We prayed and talked, and in a way I felt useless. What practical help could I really give him. Apart from the change in my pocket, there was nowhere nearby where I could get him some food or a drink, the shops had long since closed. But he was grateful for my prayers, and as I stood up to leave he grabbed my hand and told me to "walk with the Lord". As I cycled away he shouted those words again. As I cycled home, despite my feelings of inadequacy I continued to pray for him and wondered if God put him there for me rather than the other way around, to stop me in my busyness, and to remember again that God has called me to Him, and that actually despite my desire to get home to shelter and food, there are those not so fortunate, that I should be more grateful for what I do have in life. Hmm...

Judge Blunkett

2005-11-16T13:37:00.000Z

Further to my revealing of Michael Jackson as being the face behind Spiderman's mask, I can now reveal that David Blunkett is not the face behind Daredevil's mask as originally rumoured. He is in fact the face behind Judge Dredd as revealed in the pic above.

I saw him yesterday. I don't think he saw me though.

Sitting smugly in Starbucks

2005-11-16T13:18:00.000Z

I see you, sat in Starbucks, smug, with your copy of Jane Austen and The Observer, thinking you have finally made it in the world, as I walk to the bus stop in the harsh winter wind. I can hear your thoughts through the look on your smug, deceivingly impressive face...

'Ahh, here I am, looking out at the world. I pity those poor fools running around as I sit here, with my coffee and croissant. Here I sit at the pinnacle of society. I've made it. I am trendy. I am in fashion. I am the king of the world. Me with my Jane Austen sat perfectly alongside my silver cigarette case. I read the Observer and glance over the top of the page to see who is watching me, gazing admirably at this man at the top of high society. I can't read the words but the pictures are nice, not that anyone is to know. Watch me as I make interesting conversation about the weather and world pollution. Love me. Love my life. Love my face, my proud, satisfied face'.

Cretins!

The man from Gamestation

2005-11-15T13:23:00.000Z

As I was walking to the bus stop today I saw one of the guys from Gamestation. He noticed me and said "hello", to which I replied "hello".

This was very exciting. Having been a regular customer in the shop over the years we have reached a new level of communication, a step above our usual conversation...(me) - "have you got the release date for game X?", (him) - "yes, it's out soon, and have you played this yet?"; (me) - "no, but I will".

I wonder if we will say hello again tomorrow? Maybe I can now call out to him from other side of the street if he knows the release date for 'Half Life 2' on the Xbox. Maybe he'll even give me a copy.

Whatever next? I'm sure we will soon be good friends, and will probably become flatmates. This can only be a good thing, as I can persuade him to bring home all the latest games and hardware.

The possibilities are endless.

Webslinger unmasked

2005-11-15T10:13:00.000Z

So this is who that infernal webslinger is. Who would have thought it? That explains the high voice with a suit that tight.

If you know the secret identity of other superheroes please let me know. Rumour has it that David Blunkett is Daredevil, but that is so far unconfirmed.

Bus!!

2005-11-14T13:25:00.000Z

The trials of waiting for a bus...

Another day at the bus stop, sigh. Looking around at the assortment of characters around me, I wonder who they are. A smart well dressed man with a newspaper under his arm, a youth kicking a football against the shelter, a young woman talking on her mobile phone, and a woman with a walkman. I wonder what she's listening to - i t sounds like some rubbish 90's rock but each to their own.

Sigh, the bus still isn't here.

The smartly dressed man is getting impatient. He's lighting a cigarette, bless. Doesn't he read the warnings on the packets. It sounds like the woman's walkman is getting louder. She can't realise the sound level. The young woman is still on her phone - it's a long conversation, hope she isn't the one calling, the bill will be enormous. And that kid is kicking his ball near my bag. I wouldn't mind but it has a pint of milk in there.

Sigh, the bus STILL isn't here.

I am sick to death of that man's smoke. I swear i'll... no I should calm down, it's just I don't want to die of passive smoking. And that ball just hit my leg!! I wouldn't mind but these are clean trousers. Is she still on that phone??? Her voice is like the call of a banshee, constantly screeching like chalk on a blackboard. And I really don't want to hear any more of that stupid song, I'm sure she has it on repeat.

WHERE is the bus???

I can barely breath from his stinking cancerous smoke. I'm going to stick it down his throat until he chokes from his stupid black lungs, the stinking fool. Grrr. The ball touched my bag, I swear it did. I'm going to bust the stupid thing right after bouncing it off his blinking head, the cretin. Get to school and learn manners you idiot. AND that flipping song... I'm going to insert those earphones so far through her ears her brain will burst. If she even has one. And that voice. Bah! I want to get that phone and make her eat it. In fact I'll tear out her voice box until...

ITS THE BUS

... Now what was I thinking. The bus is here. Hallelujah!! "No, after you madam. I'm sorry? No your walkman wasn't too loud. I could barely hear it." "And that was a long call love? No sorry, it is none of my business, sorry to intrude." "Yeah I'll hold your ball while you find your change. No worries. Oh let me pick up your newspaper. No it's no bother."

Except...

I was first in the line for the bus. Cretins. Just wait till tomorrow. I'll...I'll probably do nothing as always. Tut!

welcome to the book of lee

2005-11-12T23:34:00.000Z

It's finally here, the book of lee. The Times Newspaper (could have said) "Lee is finally making his own blog. Other blogs will never be the same again."

"TV Quick" magazine, with guest writer Paul Ross, (could have said) "This is the best blog ever, I urge everyone to see it, and don't forget to use my quote in all the adverts to give me a little bit more cred that I don't have any of".

Well this is the beginning and maybe even the end if I don't write anything else, or I forget my password again. See you soon x